Can’t? or Won’t?

I tried for months to get a notoriously recalcitrant employee to work as part of the team, to no avail.

When clear direction and patience led to escalating subordination, I tried bribing, enticing, encouraging, begging, demanding, and ignoring. No improvement. My peers were sympathetic - and glad he didn’t report to them. I could have (maybe should have) started an HR process toward a PIP, though didn’t want him to go, just to change.

A mentor gave me some advice that I followed then and employed since, albeit in less dramatic situations. He suggested that I ask,

“Is this work that you can’t do or won’t do? If you can’t, let’s work on a solution. If you won’t, we need to have a different conversation.”

So simple. Focus on the work, rather than the relationship dynamic. Recognize what I can — and can’t — control.

Years earlier, my husband had been similarly challenged with someone on his team. At the time, Bill’s boss, Steve, said, “The wrong person is staying up at night about this.” Snap.

Taking ourselves out of the equation and letting the employees take responsibility - and the consequences - of their own behaviors. Easy to say, hard to do.